Reflections

Several weeks ago, I stumbled upon a quote that has been rolling around in my head since, even though I can't recall the exact words. Some brilliant soul put it, oh so much more eloquently, but I have faith that I can pass on the sentiment, although butcher it I might. It was along the lines of... The possibility that you are not living your best life will always haunt you... Truer words may never have been spoken. To the likes of curious folks like myself anyhow.

This applies to my very recent life just so perfectly. I have been very busy making a very big decision. It has consumed all of my thoughts and all of my life for the past month. I decided to accept a new job after making hundreds of pros and cons lists, second guessing, justifying, having meltdowns one second and overwhelming assurance I was making a smart decision the next. Jesus, it's hard being me. It's hard even explaining me. Over analyzing just might be my fatal flaw. The absolute end of me. The only human who has real potential to think herself right to death. And then, after a solid month of thinking I was definitely taking this job, I undecided my decision in one morning. And I couldn't be happier. In this particular instance, the grass wasn't greener on the other side. And I am not one to buy into that sentiment. In fact, I can't think of a faster ticket to a mediocre life than by following that sentiment. One should occasionally assess their situation. Absolutely, sometimes you should test out the neighbors grass. I assessed, and my grass (come to find out) is pretty wonderfully comfy. I love my grass. Life can very closely resemble those choose your own ending mystery novels that I devoured as a middle schooler. Depending on what chapter you read you got a different ending. Im always wondering if I took one slightly different path somewhere along the line, would I be in Montana somewhere with ten kids and a million times happier?A million times sadder? So haunting? Yeah. So many different possibilites. How can it not be? So, after one week of a fresh and renewed perspective at work and a lot of reflecting, I have a whole new perspective on life. A new perspective that is already drastically changing other personal, major life decisions. Happiness is 99% reliant on your own outlook. Minimally. No matter what choices I have made or will continue to make, the end is all the same. In Montana with ten kids or right here, I'm the same. My happiness is way more inside of my head than on a map. Or a new job. I shall be haunted no more. ❤